The Shadow Inside

In the recent light of the passing of Robin Williams, I came to understand that it was possible suicide due to depression. I wrote this story based on the idea of depression and my understanding about it. It's a tribute to Robin Williams you could say. Here's what I wrote:

***

                My name is Johnny. Johnny Forester. That’s all I remember about me. I don’t know how old I am, who my friends are and any other basic information I should know. All I know is this: I’m stuck in a dark place. There are walls on every side. There’s a door. I don’t know where it leads to. Looking out, the place is like a labyrinth. I have no idea how I came here. I just came to and I found myself here. Heck, I don’t even remember being unconscious. How did I come here?

                The freaky part is this: I woke in a room. Four walls and a door at the other end of where I lie that leads into oblivion. It was empty save for a dried-out note that states:” Beware! It does not stop! Eyes like ember and teeth like daggers. IT DOES NOT STOP. KEEP RUNNING. YOU CAN’T HIDE”. If being in a place like this and that doesn’t scare you, you’re one heck of a guy.

                I pushed myself up, thinking of what I should do. Should I just sit here or should I move? What will happen? What dangers lie before me? I was just about to finish another thought when I heard a distant growl, a low grumble from beyond the walls. I have no idea what it was or what it sounds like. All I remembered was the note and I knew instantly that I couldn’t stay here. It wasn’t safe. I had to move and move fast. I stood up and crossed the room in a heartbeat. I opened the door and ran out into the darkness of this prison of mine.

                The place was dank. Dank and dark. Dank and dark indeed. Even though it was dark, it wasn’t to the extent of being pitch dark. It was eerily lit up. How? I do not know. It just was. The lighting was a soft yellow glow and it moved with me. It did not go very far from me neither was it close to me that I could not see where I was going. The noise was gone so I slowed my pace to a walk, taking in my surroundings. It was just a straight walk but it was creepy. The walk wasn’t creepy but the walls had scratches and dried blood all over. Some even looked like messages written across the walls but it looks like time has played its part and it was unreadable. I walked further down until I stumbled upon two doors – one to either side of me – which I could enter or to continue walking. The place looks like it will go on forever and I do not know if I’ll be able to return here if I forgo this place and I have not the items to mark my journey.

                I turned to the room on my right, turned the handle and opened the door. A cold gust of wind rushes out at me, forcing me to close my eyes as it struck me. It smelled so musty as if it has not been opened for centuries. I finally understood what it must be to be an archaeologist opening up a tomb of some ancient Egyptian Pharaoh. I found a note attached to one of the walls. It told me to never look behind. That didn’t make any sense. What could go wrong if I looked behind? Thus, I left the room and I wanted to enter the opposite door. Problem is the door is missing. The hallway has changed its shape entirely. Where I was at a straight hallway with two doors, I stand now at a crossroad with a door at my back.

                The growling began again. It was nearer this time. It was coming from my right. I looked to the right, into the growing darkness of the labyrinth and I saw two orbs of fire glaring at me. As I stared into it, it stared right back at me and it was then that I realized that the orbs were becoming bigger and bigger and increasing in speed. I found that I was not moving. Is this what it means to be frozen in fear? No! I can’t let this happen to me right now. I drew on all my willpower, turned myself and ran into the left hallway.

***

                ‘Is he okay? He doesn’t seem to be that way ever since his wife left him’, said Richard, Johnny’s best friend. He was on the phone conversing with another close friend of theirs. Richard just sent Johnny home from the bar.

                ‘He’s been drinking a lot lately. Never knew him to be a big drinker. He’s lost his wife and his job. Never knew things could hit a person so hard so fast’.

                ‘Yeah, sure, I’ll keep you in touch’. The conversation over the phone ends.

                ‘Hey man’, said Richard. ‘I’ll have to leave you here. As much as I would like to stay by your side through this time, I have my own family to look after as well. Will be back to see you tomorrow. Sleep well. Goodnight’.

                Richard leaves Johnny’s bedroom to the sound of his groans. He walks into the messy living room of Johnny’s. Everything was a mess. There was a table overturned in the corner, shattered glass over the floor, photo frames hanging sideways on the wall as well as the floor, torn pictures and food and bottles everywhere. He would have to come back and help clean up one day. But for now, he left.

***

                I continued running, heeding the note and not looking back. I heard not any footsteps behind me but there was that roar of a hungry, hungry monster. As I sprinted down the hallway, I spotted that I was running into an empty room. No doors, nothing. There was no turning anywhere. Is this it? I’m at a dead end aren’t I? I took my chances and dashed into the room. If I had to die, at least I gave my all trying to escape. As I entered the room, I spotted a red button on the left wall. I hammered the button and to my surprise, there was the sound of electrical whirring as the walls behind me closed just as the beast hit it. The sound of a frustrated, hungry animal pounding at the walls that just closed rang behind me. I believe that that is what relief sounds like.  Another whirring came about and a room came into existence ahead of me. I walked into it.

                I never knew that technology as advanced as this could exist in a godforsaken place like this. Lights came on as I entered this newly created room. It wasn’t very huge but it was empty save for a huge frame sitting on a pedestal. How it was able to keep itself balanced, I had no idea. This place defies the laws of physics. I approached the frame and attempted to touch it. However, as my fingers drew close to the frame it flickered and turned on like a television would. I kept my hand to myself and began to watch its display. It was... what was it playing? Was it playing out my life? I can’t remember anything. But it has to be me isn’t it? Yes, that man there looks like me. I was married? I don’t even remember. And I stared into the flickering light of that magical frame-television; all my memories came rushing back to me. I was married, yes. She left me for another man. She took our child into her custody; our daughter which I loved so, so much. She took her from me. I lost my job not long after just because I was drinking my sorrows away. I never drank much, save for the occasional social ones. I lost everything. I was a man without hope. I’m pathetic, I’m miserable. Was there a way out of this? I doubt so. Then the screen said turned dark and in huge white letters, displayed:

FIND THE EXIT

It exploded shortly after and the cracks of the walls were running down with blood. I realized I was crying then. I didn’t move. I was just waiting for my end. As the blood engulfed me, I was just waiting and counting down to the moment I would die and my life would be taken away from me. To my disappointment, I did not and when I opened my eyes, I found myself in another room just like the one I woke up to in the beginning but with notes all over the place.

                The notes varied in their messages. There were those that preached hopelessness and death and there were those that said that there was hope. There was this particular one which said that there was an exit. There was a way out of this place, out of this hell I am now in. I don’t know which way I should follow. Nothing matters to me now. If I live I live, if I die I die. Instructions were giving as to where the exit would lie. The note ended in saying that I have the chance to change what I become. The past is the past but I should make the most of what I have in the future. It was a hope given, it sounded real and true. How true, I did not know, but it sounded like a chance to take nonetheless. I memorized the map drawn and as to where the exit would be. I dropped the note and exited the room and into the labyrinth once again.

                It was eerily calm and quiet. The only sound there was, was the shuffling of my feet on the floor. I took every turn I had to take and I found myself at the exit. It was just there: a door with a huge exit sign above it. Somehow I felt like it was mocking me. I took a deep breath and opened the door and what awaited me on the other side scared the life out of me. Right before me stood – or floated – an apparition with ember eyes and teeth like daggers. Its mouth smelled like a thousand corpses – how I knew that, I do not know – and it was staring and grinning at me – if anyone could know how a black apparition could grin – and I knew that I was done for. I was ready anyway. I couldn’t turn and run. I did not have a chance to react. It came up to me and devoured me.

                My whole vision went black and after a few seconds, I regained my vision only to find myself free-falling into the streets below me. It was dark and there were cars everywhere. The pavement came up to me in a flash. There was a sudden thud. A bone cracking crunch. Then darkness.

***

                The morning news read this: Man found dead, falling off the 5^th floor of a condominium. Cause of death is suspected suicide. Investigations are being carried out. Man identified as Johnny Forester.

___________________________________________________

Remember, depression kills.

The Woods (unedited)

            The Woods have always been there as far as I am concerned. Since the dawn of time it has always existed. I watched it sprout from the ground when it was nothing more than mere leaves and shoots as all life has always begun. Centuries and decades after, look what it has been turned into. If you have lived as long as I did, surely someday you will be bored of just sitting around and watching the world turn round and round and round until God decides it comes to a halt and sends me away forever. So why not have my fun now?

            I made the Woods’ history. I am its author and its ruler. I am who decides what happens – or more like who enters – here. They called it the Wood of Suicides for a reason. You see... what I do is this: I, in my own fun, in my own time like to drag people into this place and just watch themselves take their own life, without any consent. In this day and age, people tend to be so troubled and burdened with their own lives. Suicide rates are increasing and I am a contributor. In the world, people ask for contributions. Death comes to me as well.

            Here’s the story of how it started. Like most “haunted” stories, it always starts in the darkest of times, in England, in a small little village away from all politics and war. For someone like me, it never occurred to me as to why I have not done this earlier until I have watched many hangings done – although I did like the torture instruments of the Spanish Inquisition than the noose – until I came to think “hey, I can stage hangings my ownself in the woods”.

            I found my chance in a boy in the golden days of his youth. Like most people his age, he was deeply in love. It’s been so long and names have never been much of my niche. As I mentioned, he was in love and people in love tend to be foolish. They would do all they can to “take the moon out of the sky” for his love and will eventually just capture the moon in a basin of water. Humans amuse me with their idiocy sometimes. Back to the story: a youth in love will always be the biggest fool and it is always, always certain that he will experience the biggest heartbreak a man will ever in his life.

            Well, I, of course was the puppeteer behind this series of events. See, though it was in superstitious times, the superstitions of people was based on what they could see and see happen rather than what was inside their own heads. The thing about being me is that I control people and manipulate them without their knowing.

            I took the opportunity to slowly take control over everything in his life. Yeah, sure he did tried to court the girl and even so subtly tried to draw her away from the village into the woods – there was no fatalities at that time, he was the first – to have “some time” with her. It was fun watching all these happen, but as I said, I was the director of this film – as you would say now – and I had her humiliate him in front of everyone. How? Boys are foolish. He wanted her to marry him and this was what I did: I had him run around the village naked to “prove his love for her”, and then propose to her in front of the entire village. Here’s my plot twist: I had her put her foot in between his thighs and walk off, leaving him there in humiliation as she calls him a person without dignity and that she can never ever marry a person as such.

            The poor boy went home carrying himself and weeping as any man would. He became the joke of the village and in a small village where everybody knew everybody, news spread fast. “Surely there was a way out of this”, you might say. However, I liked to have fun. Sure he could’ve left for somewhere and started a life anew in another village, but I wanted things to be different. When people are broken, they tend to leave behind a huge hole in their soul, like how a city would be after a trebuchet launched its missiles into the city walls. His soul was vulnerable and I breached it, possessing him entirely. I’m sure he would be terrified when he realised that he was unable to move and to find that his whole body was not subject to his head. I had him hastily write a letter addressed to his parents stating very simply this:

I have left this place before my time. Heaven be my witness and Hell shall take me. Look to the woods. Find me there.

            I led him out of his house, stopping by the stables to find a spare reel of rope and a barrel for leverage. Silently I led him even more to the woods. His eyes were wide with terror and red from all that time of crying. I was sure he wanted to scream, but since I was in control of him, a sly smile spread across his face, being the only reflection of me in him. I took him into the deepest part of the woods and there hastily tied a noose as I have seen it done so many times in that Dark Age. I found a solid branch to hang it on and I did and tested it. I guided his head to the noose and placed it there. There was nothing he could do now. I gave him possession of his body once again and kicked the barrel under him. I watched him struggle with himself as the life left his eyes. He looked like a fish struggling to release itself off the hook. I was very much amused and I decided that I will add more souls to my collection. To this day, I have collected much and is now very much known as the Wood of Suicides.

A poem by me. =)

A poem I did during PMR trials last paper. (PJK!!!!! xD)

Midnight,

A still wind blows,

In the rivers,

The water flows,

Someone's studying,

That I know,

6a.m.,

The cockerel crows.

That someone is tired,

O so I see,

He's been working hard,

Like a honey bee,

"My Sejarah paper is today",

Say's the fatigue he,

The paper comes,

And he rub's his hands in glee.

He took up his pen,

And wrote out his name,

He tried to answer the questions,

But to me, he's game,

He failed the Sejarah test,

And got only himself to blame,

After this incident,

Things were never the same.

He got O so sad,

Holding the paper in his hands,

Thirty-six marks was all he got,

It wasn't very grand,

His favourite computer games,

His parents had it banned,

But, one day,

Someone told him of the footprints in the sand.

He got to know Jesus,

Our Counselor and Friend,

The person that will never leave him,

Until the very end,

He studied very hard,

To face the year end,

And what do you guess?

Up to the first place,

There he ran.

=)

War? Meaningless

"Men! Fall in!" Came the cry from the commander. It was in the dead of night and plans were being made for the attack at dawn. Both forces have been exchanging bullets and counting casualties and none is at the upper-hand, both were at loss.

Derrick and the rest of his platoon got up, grabbed their rifles and lined up with the rest of the troops.
"At ease!", said the commander.

The men had all their hands down, with their firearms at their side.

"It could have been thousands of days, weeks, months, or heck we know, even years that we've been exchanging fire with the enemy forces. We've laid out a plan, boys, to end this once and for all."

Shouts of joy came from the men. The end of the war was what they all have been waiting for. Every single day, they lose lives, they lose themselves. How many have gone insane, no one knows. Bomb shells drop silently. Only the whistling before its impact could be heard. Thousands dead on both sides. The men were tired of this. All they wanted so badly now was to return home to their loved ones.

As the commander went around making his so-dramatic speech bout how the war is going to end and about their victory, Derrick thought to himself, asking why such things should happen. War is not going to make any side gain. It is always a lose-lose situation no matter the conclusion of the war. It is just so stupid.

You then may ask why he's in the army. At times of desperate need, the country recruits anyone who is able-bodied to fight and well, die for his country.

As the commander concluded his speech, the men cheered and gave loud cries of joy and even singing their anthem. The battle plans were laid out before their bare eyes and everyone looked at it as the commander gave his explanation. He separated the men into their teams and gave them a briefing about their task and their positioning as well as their role in the battle. Derrick's platoon was assigned to the far left. There was only about 20 to 25 men in his platoon, and they were very much dead, as they were alive. They were to move out at first light, where it is most likely not to be seen. Scouts were sent out by each platoon to their designated area and to make preparations. Derrick and Marlz - so he called himself- were picked from their platoon. Marlz was a big burly man, well-built and squared and could be said to look like a perfect soldier. He had thick hands and strong muscular arms. No doubt would anyone feel safe being with him if it was not for a war.

At 2315 hours, the scouts moved out with almost nothing in possession. This was to lighten their burden and make their travels faster. All they carried was their M-16s, a few extra rounds, a little provisions and that was about it. 

Travel was quick and little words were exchanged for in case enemy units were nearby. The silence provided a sense of ghostly comfort somehow. It just felt right in the darkness and through the dark recessions of the jungle. It all fell into place. Derrick could hear the winds silently blowing through the winds, the leaves shaking and branches bending at awkward angles sometimes and creaking as they went. It was definitely awkwardly comfortable alright.

 They arrived at their designated area. "It is here, aye?" asked Marlz in his rough voice.

"As sure as the commander could heck well be", replied Derrick.

Marlz gave a soft roar of laughter to avoid making noise. "Roger that, boy. Now, let's do whatever we're supposed to be doin' here".

As they set about the area, making sure the area was clear of traps and devices, suddenly there was a rustling in the bushes nearby. It was not any kind of rustling that was made by winds. This was a kind of man-made rustling. Both Derrick and Marlz looked around, aware of it. They picked up their arms and looked around. Suddenly, something wet and sticky splattered onto Derrick's face as he heard Marlz gave a low groan and a soft cry of pain. Derrick turned around and he saw a bayonet stuck through Marlz chest. Derrick, aware of this grave situation sidestepped around Marlz and cried as he sprayed the area behind Marlz. He heard a cry and a soft thump.

 "Get... the hell out.. outta here.. We've been found... Go! Get the f.." Was all Marlz could say as his last breath gave way.

Derrick, in his shock took a few seconds to understood and hastily ran through the jungle with his M-16 in arms, ready to fire. As he ran through the jungle, he realised this: There were gunshots ringing throughout the jungle, men were screaming out, grenades were going off. He concluded that they definitely have been ambushed and that the opposing force has predicted as much. As he ran the tress around him exploded in gunfire. It came to his understanding that he was being shot at. Instinctively, he turned around and shot at the direction. A thump was heard and he supposed he shot the target. He continued running. As he went running on, he tripped over a root of a tree and had his ankle twisted. Moreover, his foot was stuck. He began trying to free his foot. He heard several footsteps coming from where he came. This doubled his adrenaline and he began to cut the root with his combat knife, to no avail. He took out his rifle, and directed it ahead of him, determined to save his own life this night.

One man appeared, and Derrick fired and was true to his aim. The man went down. This alerted the other men with him and they started to approach Derrick in large numbers. Derrick, in desperation fired at every single one of them, not knowing how many he had taken down. It didn't matter to him anyway. As his consciousness fade and his very vision turned into darkness - nothing but darkness - he couldn't help but think about how stupid it is to wage war on another.

Hey, Sister

Hey, sister, don't leave me waiting here like that.
You know you've got to choose one of us one day.
I've done so much, don't you feel a single thing?
You walk the other way, you know you're gonna pay.

Something is wrong here but I just do not know.
I can't put my finger on it just yet.
You have been hurting and I could comfort you,
But I seem to be just part of your duet.

Why am I feeling this?
I could've been content.
But now that you are his,
I'll just be your man.

Unrequited love,
Paves the way to pain.
It's obviously a curse,
Reminds me of my shame.

Hey, sister, turn away for just a short while,
I know what I promised and I know what I have said.
My rebellion stops me from the painfulness of leaving once again.

Why am I feeling this?
I could've been content.
But now that you are his,
I'll just be your man.

Unrequited love,
Paves the way to pain.
It's obviously a curse,
Reminds me of my shame.

Maybe my chances are something like quite nil.
And I'm so sorry for everything that's done.
I ain't coming back to suffer for your sins,
Why don't we part ways and just call it a day.

Why am I feeling this?
I could've been content.
But now that you are his,
I'll just be your man.

Unrequited love,
Paves the way to pain.
It's obviously a curse,
Reminds me of my shame.
Reminds me of my shame.

Guys, Need Help!!

Ok, I need some ideas for a piece I'm working on. Its called Sephirot (you can wiki that, not to be confused with Final Fantasy) and I was wondering about a few things:

1. Should I set it in the real world or in a fantasy world?
2. Obviously I'd need ideas for names of people (I suck at creating names). I'd appreciate it if anyone would drop a few interesting ones.

Fallen Man

Its 1 o' clock in the middle of the dark
And I've just plain ran right out of luck.
Oh! Yes, it's true! Yes, it's true!
Its all been flushed right down the loo.
All my years I've been waiting for the past
Trying to win and not end up as last
I was talking love not looking at the lust
But now I'm tending wounds and scraping out the pus.
Oh! Yes, it's true! Yes, it's true!
Its all disappeared into the blue.
I, drained of power, am dismayed and put to shame,
With a bit in my mouth, I return from whence I came.

Anything's Fine

Anything's Fine

or 

Fur Denielle

Dearest Denielle, when I wrote this rhyme,
Everything about you came flooding to my mind.
Never left me, makes me think about you,
In the middle of the night, and when I'm sleeping too.
Every memory of words, everything we talked about,
Lays dormant, waits for a chance to come out.
Leaves me smiling, you crazy, maddening girl,
Everytime I think of you, I think about a pearl.

Lets be good friends of plain platonic gain,
Over years of sadness and many years of pain.
Virulent times our acquaintance cannot foil,
Even water will never float on oil.

Welcome to my world and my circle of friends,
In the seasons of life, there are only happy ends.
Till we meet again, at a later time,
Hail me when happy, or through lemon and lime.
Instead of just sulking, come readily to me,
Never'll turn you away but will listen for a fee.

Friends forever, is what we could be,
Riverside escapades, adventures so free.
Inexplicable bonds of companionship,
Everlasting and eternal, priceless friendship.
Never dying, never failing, we only speak our minds,
Doing what we do best, yet sharing all our finds.
Snaking through our lives, all meaning may be lost,
Health and wealth, fame and fortune, away may all be tossed.
In our best and our worst, through bad times and fine,
Promise me that ours will always ever be truly yours and mine.

I Am A Rock

A winter's day 
In a deep and dark December; 
I am alone, 
Gazing from my window to the streets below 
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow. 
I am a rock, 
I am an island. 

I've built walls, 
A fortress deep and mighty, 
That none may penetrate. 
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. 
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain. 
I am a rock, 
I am an island. 

Don't talk of love, 
But I've heard the words before; 
It's sleeping in my memory. 
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. 
If I never loved I never would have cried. 
I am a rock, 
I am an island. 

I have my books 
And my poetry to protect me; 
I am shielded in my armor, 
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb. 
I touch no one and no one touches me. 
I am a rock, 
I am an island. 

And a rock feels no pain; 
And an island never cries.

Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel

Untitled 1

Here I am, sitting bored, with my back to the girls,

Who make my life so interesting, so freaking nice,

'Cos talking to them is like the pigs getting the pearls,

I may be a man, but, hell no, they aren't my vice.

They may like the attention, but they just don't give enough,

They can go their own way if they wanna act tough.

Hell, no, I won't bow, its my way or the highway,

I won't be the victim, though they think I'm the prey.

World peace is a myth when my mind is this crazy,

I'd rather sit here and act like I'm lazy.

I really don't care but I ain't a potted plant,

All this nonsense sounds like a Gregorian chant.

I guess the rage is all gone, 'cause I feel wasted,

The bitterness of life is all that I've tasted,

And I guess that this is the final threshold,

I've ate the bread and found the bread mold.